Tag Archives: Relationships

A Special Kind of Love

6 Nov

I promised myself I’d write about you eventually. I knew I would need to give myself a certain closure, while also leaving plenty of space for you in my heart, a space you will occupy for the rest of my life.

You carried me through my childhood. You saw the way people treated me, and you acted as a buffer between me and the rest of the world. When we were kids, I needed that buffer. I needed a safe space to go where I didn’t have to be face to face with my situation, while also not having to completely face the blows of reality either. You provided me with that space. Your presence in my life when we were kids was like a bubble I never wanted to leave because it was the one place I felt cared for, the one place I felt safe. Now, I’m no longer inside that bubble, but I find comfort in knowing it’s always a place I can still go if I am in need of reassurance.

Your presence in my life brings me to tears, both tears of joy and tears of sadness. I wonder how I ever got so lucky to have a friend as rare as you in my life. Someone who has known me since we were kids. Someone who knows everything I went through, and loves me just the same, if not more. Someone who has acted as my protector for as long as I can remember. Someone who took me to my first dance, who took me to my prom, and who would drop everything to be there for me. That kind of friendship is so incredibly rare, and the wonderful thing is how safe and cared for I feel, even when I’m just thinking of you. Therefore, my deep love for you makes sense. It brings me to tears because I know my love for you is not the same kind of love you have for me. It breaks my heart, but it doesn’t take away how I have always seen you. Truthfully, my feelings for you make sense. They truly do. I don’t know of anyone who could be cherished the way you cherish me and not develop deeper feelings.

Your belief in all that I am propels me forward. It gives me the strength to keep going when I feel like giving up, and it shows me there are people in this world that would do anything just to see me happy. Though I know that has been true for a long time, it took numerous deep conversations with you until I started to see it with my own eyes. You’ve allowed me to feel a kind of love I thought I’d never find. Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened between us if I would have recognized the love sooner. However, I don’t want to spend my life backpedaling. From this point on, I want to go forward. Forward towards a kind of love I will find one day. A kind of love I now know exists because you have shown me that even though certain forms of love are rare, they do exist.

Yes, I love you. I love you with all that I am, and I truly believe I always will. That’s the thing about first loves, right? They stay with you forever. Though you have not been my first love in the traditional relationship sense of the world, I think 15 years of friendship is a very special, though unique kind of relationship. And it’s been a special kind of love. The kind of love that has allowed me to grow and has given me support all at the same time. The kind of love that has provided me with a true sense of feeling safe, a sense of knowing I matter. The kind of love that is so rare, and yet so beautiful in all that it means.

Yet, because your presence in my life has brought me love, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that one day I will find the kind of love I wish you could show me now. Because in so many ways, you’ve done the best thing for us. Our friendship is too precious to take the risk of a relationship. You told me you vowed to never put yourself in a position where you might leave (since you had seen so many “friends” leave me, and knew how much it hurt me when they did). In its own way, that shows just how much your cherish me, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I love you, and I always will. Your presence in my life has lifted me up while also breaking me down. Though that may sound sad, it’s good. You’ve helped me to experience an emotion I never thought I’d understand. Granted, though I am no closer to understanding it, I finally know the feeling of loving someone so much that it seems as if your heart might burst from happiness. And now, in this moment, I know what it means to love you, while also allowing other people in. For a while, I was afraid giving myself the opportunity to move on would mean I had to let you go, but that’s not what it means at all. It means loving you, keeping you in my heart, but making space in my heart for new possibilities. It means it’s possible to hold all kinds of love in your heart at once, and knowing there is always room for more.

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My first hiatus.

29 Dec

I’m currently in Washington state visiting a friend, and for the first time, I want to take a break from blogging. I’ve made this decision partly because I want to get everything I can out of this trip, and partly because I think it might help me get a better perspective to move forward with my writing. Due to some recent issues regarding certain relationships with people in my life currently, I have started to feel very stuck inside my own head. Though I know deep down that writing is one of the best ways for me to become unstuck, I also think it involves giving myself time to really think through everything without having an obligation of making sure I write my daily blog post.
Sometimes I think we all need a break from things, and right now, I know that if I continue to push these feelings, it’ll only make things more difficult. Plus, I wonder if not having an obligation to a daily blog post will help me break down some of the small barriers that have formed in regards to writing my memoir. I certainly hope that is the case.
Until next time, my lovely followers. 🙂

“You can’t look back. You just have to put the past behind you and find something better in your future.” – Jodi Picoult

Tuesday’s Tunes: Brandon Chase.

6 Nov

Last week when I was searching for Texas singer/songwriters on Google, I knew I wanted to find relatively “young” singer/songwriters, or at least the ones that were closer to my own age. It took some rummaging, but I finally found Brandon Chase. When I heard his song, “Most Beautiful Thing,” I sat there wondering where all the guys were like he portrayed himself in the song. More than that, though, I smiled because the song is just so sweet. Any girl who got the chance to have this song sung to her by a guy would, without a doubt, feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I know I would.

The Power of Introverts, A TED Talk by Susan Cain.

9 Jun

I just listened to this amazing TED Talk called The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain, and I wanted to share it with all of you. Susan Cain discusses the differences between introverts and extroverts, while also mentioning how our society needs to stop placing such a negative stamp on those who identify themselves as introverts.  I’ve got to go and get Susan Cain’s book: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. 

The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain

“The No. 1 thing is for introverts to feel not just comfortable about who they are but to be proud, and to harness their strengths. Introverts often feel like something is wrong with them, as if introversion is a weakness. People feel a lot of guilt about preferring to be alone. But they shouldn’t.”-Susan Cain (from a Q & A featured on PsychCentral.com).

Middle Of The Night Writing.

19 Apr

Sometimes I feel stuck in my writing. There are so many aspects of my past that I want to let out, but then I sit down to type, and nothing comes out…which just seems ridiculous when I know of so many things inside me that need to be released.

I’ve been told for as long as I’ve been writing that I have a way with words. I take pride in that compliment. I take pride in it because writing is the one thing that I never, ever feel limited by…and that is a truly awesome feeling. However, the fact that I have a way with words can be damaging at times because it leads to me wanting to have things sound just right, and when they don’t, I’m not satisfied. However, I’ve learned to write through the dissatisfaction. That writing usually isn’t my best, but it gets me out of my writing slumps. But you know, sometimes a slump is a slump, and there’s not really much you can do but wait for a new day.

There’s a quote I read somewhere that goes something like this: “Writers never have to change the things they got up in the middle of the night to write.” I used to not really understand this phrase, but as I’ve delved deeper into writing my book, I see the connection. Before writing my memoir, I didn’t understand the concept of literally being woken up by something that’s so vivid in your mind that you’ve just got to write it. However, over the past few months, I’ve had many nights where I’ve gotten in bed to go to sleep, and about 15 minutes later, memories pop into my head. But not just random, vague memories. Strong, vivid emotional memories that have on more than one occasion caused me to sit up in bed to take a breath in order to let some of the emotional shock wear off. However, not once have I gotten up to write those thoughts and memories. Not because I haven’t wanted to, but because I knew that if I did I probably wouldn’t be up the next morning in time to go to class.

That’s what’s hard about choosing to start this book when I have. Not only do I have my book on my mind, but I’m 19, I’m a sophomore in college, and I’m still trying to piece together who I truly am. Granted, I’ve discovered a few key pieces over the last year: like my love of writing and photography (and psychology…definitely can’t forget that one!), the realization that I am and will always be the biggest book nerd that I know (HA. No…really), and the understanding that every person I have met in my life thus far is here to teach me something about myself, whether it be good or bad. The last part is an understanding that I haven’t come to lightly. I like to think that I can hypothetically have a genuinely good relationship/friendship with the majority of people who I come into contact with. However, we all know from life experiences that that is not always the case….which is sad, but it also can be a learning experience (especially in connection with those people who we may not see eye to eye with). Then again, there are some people that we’ll just never be able to win against, but that’s okay. We can just keep walking…because there will always be other people further on down the road that we’ll feel glad we crossed paths with.

Once I’m done with this semester, I’ll be happy to have a little bit more time for the middle of the night writing. The writing that wakes you up…and forces you to get out of bed and start typing. I haven’t fully experienced it yet, but I can’t wait to see what it’s like. Even now, when I’m woken up by things that I know I want to write down, I tell myself that I’ll remember in the morning. I talk myself into staying under the covers…and eventually I do drift back to sleep. However, all of you writers know as well as I do that things that wake you up in the middle of the night are never as vivid the next morning. Even if the memories are vaguely still there, you rack your brain wondering what it was that had you itching to write it all down at such a precise moment. I find it fascinating that something can seem so vivid and clear in your head one moment, and then the next moment it can be covered in haze and doubt….reaching the point where you are unsure whether you should try to write it down or not. My theory, though I haven’t tried it yet, is that if something you want to write wakes you up in the middle of the night, it’s got to be good. After all, despite what we say about living and breathing words every day, even writers need sleep.

The Art Of Missing.

21 Jan

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.

Missing someone isn’t just an emotion. It’s an aching deep down in your soul that can only be filled by the presence of the one you miss. Since physical presence can sometimes be hard to manage, we’ve got phone calls, text messages, letters, and best of all, Skype! All those technologies allow us to connect with those we love, even if it means that we can’t see them often.

Though the art of missing someone is a sad emotion, I feel like it’s one of the strongest expressions of the human spirit (not counting love). When you miss someone, it’s not just that you want to see them. Sometimes it’s the feeling of not being fully yourself without them. It’s wanting to share with them your hopes, fears, and mundane daily activities, even if it just means that you only talk to them sporadically. And that’s better than nothing right? And even though missing someone hurts, it’s so pure. I mean, missing someone means you have someone special enough in your life to miss. It means you care. It means that even though you both are on different paths, you’re thinking of them and wishing they were there with you.

I spend a lot of time missing friends and family. Though I’ve gotten better at being attached to people, the art of missing has stayed constant or maybe grown. I just wish that all the people in my life could experience my life with me. It hurts to go through day-to-day activities without them by my side. I’ve always been told that I have immense strength, and I understand that. But the truth is, I wouldn’t be where I am today without the love and support of all the people who I spend my days missing. They are the reason I’ve thrived recently, and I have no idea what I’d do without them.

So, yes the art of missing someone is hard. But would you rather miss someone and have it hurt than never have the chance to miss them at all?