Joe Purdy.

Such a good song. 🙂

Shooting off in all directions.

I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself, like the colored arrows from a Fourth of July rocket.-Sylvia Plath

Teaching “social graces” for physical disabilities in schools.

In my community psychology class, we have been asked to do a project on a societal problem. I’ve chosen the stigma of physical disabilities and the social consequences that are connected with physical disabilities. Obviously this topic hits home for me since I have a physical disability, and I’m excited to start researching. Plus, I feel like this project could provide me with some great material to possibly include in my memoir.

I feel like the social consequences of having a disability, physical or not, is something that isn’t brought to too much awareness. Other than my intense surgeries and intense physical therapy, being able to socially adapt is probably one of the hardest things that I’ve faced due to being someone with a physical disability. I learned very early on in life that I was going to have to be the one to initiate relationships with classmates and people in my community. Everyone wants friends and people to count on, but as I was growing up as someone who was “different,” it was the one thing I wanted more than anything. However, in a society where being different isn’t the norm, it makes things that much harder for those of us who are a bit unique.

Today when I was talking to two of my other classmates who are also interested in the topic of the stigma of physical disabilities, I mentioned that grade school and middle school were very hard for me socially. I was picked on, stared at and didn’t feel like I had a place where I fit. Today my classmates and I were trying to think of reasons why that might be so, or why the stigma of physical disabilities may be so high. One thing I pointed out was that many kids don’t automatically grow up around someone with a physical disability. Therefore, to them, seeing a student at school who is physically disabled is something that’s “different” and “not normal.” However, what would happen if we chose to implement a kind of program in schools that taught kids the “social graces” of dealing with disabilities, while also pointing out that it’s important to “empower” the individual with the physical disability so that they feel like they matter within the classroom? Though it may seem easier said than done, I feel like today’s kids are lacking the simple awareness of the presence of physical disabilities. Since they may not be around them on a regular basis, they don’t know how to react, so of course they are going to feel uncomfortable. That’s understandable. However, as well so many other societal problems we face today, maybe education is the first step.

Though it may seem far reached, having a type of class on social acceptance is needed in today’s schools. Not all of today’s parents are going to properly teach their kids to be acceptable of all types of people, so maybe it’s something that should be brought up in the school system. As well as decreasing the level that kids with disabilities are being teased, I feel like it would help broaden other kid’s views of their society as well as help those with physical disabilities realize that they have a place where they can not only voice their own opinion, but actually be heard by their peers.

Yes, the fact that I was picked on as a kid made me stronger. However, I didn’t get stronger because I was picked on. I got stronger because I learned how to deal with being teased. However, that shouldn’t be something that kids with physical disabilities need to learn. There needs to be a certain level of respect that exists towards kids with disabilities in today’s school system. Providing today’s middle school kids with an education of “social graces” when it comes to kids with physical disabilities doesn’t necessarily mean that those kids would need to immediately befriend those with physical disabilities. However, I feel like emphasizing that kids with physical disabilities should be treated the same as those kids without physical disabilities would decrease the amount of bullying, physical and emotional, that is present in today’s schools.

I, of course, am fully supportive of decreasing the amount of bullying that is present in schools today. From my own experience, I know how much bullying hurts, especially when you are being bullied for something that you are not able to control. I feel like providing a class of social acceptance would help decrease this issue, thus allowing future kids with physical disabilities to feel comfortable among their classmates. Though I know that my school experience would hopefully have been somewhat different if a social acceptance class was provided at my school as I was growing up, I am willing to accept that I faced lots of teasing if it means that I can help future kids not have to experience it to such a high degree, or better yet, not at all.

My own kind of ballerina.

When I was a little girl, my grandmother took me to see The Nutcracker every year at Christmastime. I’d put on my black and white checkered dress and my patent leather shoes, and my grandmother and I would drive up to the Koger Center in Columbia. As I sat in the audience watching the Sugar Plum Fairies dance, I’d think about what it would be like to be a ballerina. I’d watch the gracefulness of their movements and imagine being able to move almost effortlessly. That’s what it looked like to me: like the ballerinas were moving so fluidly that it was as if they were floating on air.

Even though I was never able to take ballet lessons, I did as much as I could to feel like a ballerina. I bought a pink leotard and pink ballet shoes. I even had to have a bright pink tutu with sparkles. The tutu was my favorite part. I loved the fact that I could spin around and around and the tutu would fly up like a balloon. I remember feeling pretty, and I remember the days that I would spin around in my leotard, tutu and ballet shoes like I was a true ballerina. Simply wearing the outfit was enough for me.

I got my own experience of being a ballerina when I joined the Calhoun Players, a community theatre group in my town. However, in the beginning, it wasn’t like I imagined it to be. Even though I got to dance on stage, for many of the productions I was placed in the back. Though I knew that it was because there were other people who were better dancers than I was, we all want to have a chance to shine. I got my chance in 2007 thanks to my theater director, Chuck. In 2007, I was in the cast of the Wizard of Oz. However, the best part was that for the first time since getting involved with the Calhoun Players in 2001, I wasn’t in the chorus. I had one of the main roles. I played Glenda the Good Witch. Even though I didn’t necessarily play the part of a ballerina, playing the part of Glenda was the closest that I’ve ever gotten, and it was probably one of the happiest moments of my life. I wore a blue sparkly dress that had puffy sleeves and a puffy bodice. It wasn’t a leotard and a tutu, but in my opinion, it was even better. I also had a wand, and I wore a tiara on my head. I felt so happy in those moments on stage that I felt like I was going to burst from happiness. The “shining” moment for me during those performances (other than playing Glenda and feeling as pretty as a ballerina) was getting to stand out on stage in my pretty outfit and sing a solo. For a few minutes during each performance, all eyes were on me. However, for the first time in my life, people were staring at me in awe rather than looking at me and wondering what was wrong with me. Granted, it probably wasn’t the first time I was looked at in awe or happiness, but it felt like a first time for me since I had grown so accustomed to being stared at in a negative way.

As I sat in the audience of The Nutcracker performance, I didn’t know that one day I would be able to be my own kind of ballerina. Even though it wouldn’t be in the way that I imagined, I feel like it was much better. Rather than sitting in the audience watching the performance, I got to be the one on stage. I may not have gotten the chance to dance like the Sugar Plum Fairies, but I got to do something I loved even more: I got to sing. I got to sing like I’ve never sung before, holding a wand and wearing a tiara. I got to wear a blue sparkly puffy dress that still hangs in my closet at home, reminding me of the moment that I got to feel like my own kind of ballerina.

Kristin Hannah quote.

“That was the thing about best friends. Like sisters and mothers, they could piss you off and make you cry and break your heart, but in the end, when the chips were down, they were there, making you laugh even in your darkest hours. ”

What keeps you going.

 

“What keeps you going isn’t some fine destination but just the road you’re on, and the fact that you know how to drive. You keep your eyes open, you see this damned-to-hell world you got born into, and you ask yourself, ‘What life can I live that will let me breathe in & out and love somebody or something and not run off screaming into the woods?” -Barbara Kingsolver

Saturday Song: Ghost Town.

I came across the band First Aid Kit earlier today when I was looking on the Events page of The Orange Peel, a live music venue here in Asheville. I’m definitely going to try to see them perform on October 3rd because I love their folk-y sound. 🙂 Let me know what you think!

Counseling Special Needs Kids.

Every so often, most of the time when my defenses are down, I contemplate what it would be like to counsel special needs kids in the future. Since I have special needs myself, I feel like I could bring something to the table that other counselors wouldn’t necessarily have: understanding. However, while it may seem admirable for me to want to counsel special needs kids, I think of Grace, a 12-year-old girl I know who has CP. I think of Grace and how it is so hard for me to watch her go through the same pain that I did without being able to help her. However, I also think of the kids who would sit before me, faced with so much, who may only want one thing: someone to listen….or someone who understands.

It’s what I’ve searched for my entire life…someone who can understand. However, recently I’ve come to the conclusion that so much of this journey is my own inner battle. Sure, there are people who want to understand and who are willing to listen, but none of them can say, “I know exactly how you feel.” That’s not my fault, nor is it theirs. It’s just the luck of the draw I guess.

However, when I contemplate counseling special needs kids, I’ve come to a realization: It wouldn’t just help the kids that I’d work with, it’d help me too. I understand that without even being in the field yet to see it. However, another part of me has some doubts. Yes, it would feel awesome to help these kids that I associate myself with in a sense (even though I know that my CP doesn’t define me). However, I also wonder what it would be like being faced with disabilities day in and day out. Yes, I’d already be faced with it on a daily basis due to the fact that I have a physical disability myself. However, I just don’t know if the workplace is an area where I’d want to separate myself from it, if that makes any sense. The thing is, I don’t know how it would affect me. I don’t know if I’d feel like I was being put in a kind of box along with my clients: the box of disability. It’s not something that I’m able to reason through right now, since I’m still in college and won’t know my reaction to it until I’m out in the real world facing it one-on-one.

Either way, I feel like writing my memoir is one of the beginning steps. Even though I’m not talking directly to other kids with special needs and trying to understand how they feel, I’m dealing with my own emotions regarding my physical disability. I’m writing about what I’ve faced and how it’s made me feel, and I think that is one of the first steps if I want to consider counseling kids with special needs. Even though I understand that since I’m in college this is the ideal time for my career choices to fluctuate, it’s something that I’m considering. Though the ultimate goal is to help kids like myself come to understand themselves and why they’re different, I’ve realized how much I’ve benefited from counseling, and I want to give other kids in my shoes the same opportunity to try to move past what they’ve faced. Granted, it’s not just in the counseling. It takes much more. For instance, I know that without my writing I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am today, or being in a position where I can openly talk about my disability in a way that is helping me coming to terms, and ultimately accept, myself. However, combining counseling with my own coping mechanism of writing has brought me here, and I only hope that one day I can give other special needs kids the opportunity to try to come to terms with what they have faced.

Mr. Tim and braces.

For much of my life when I was little, I had to wear AFOs, which are basically braces that I wore on my feet to keep them from turning inwards (before my first surgery, my femurs were turned inwards). Getting new AFOs had its ups and downs. I had to get casted for new braces every time I grew, and most of the time it wasn’t something I was looking forward to. New braces meant fresh “hot spots” on my feet until I could get used to the braces and “break them in” in a sense. Even though we used padding to try to ease the hot spots, they weren’t comfortable. When any body part has to be held in a position that it’s not naturally in, it’s not exactly fun. The one thing that did make me smile was getting to pick my color.

Picking a color for braces is a lot like picking a color for a cast after you’ve broken your arm (which I’ve never done, thankfully). You want something bright or something that makes you smile when you see it rather than frown. I know that many times I chose hot pink and bright purple. However, I remember one special time when I had to get new braces when I was at Shriner’s Hospital. Instead of going for one of my typical bright colors, I picked the bright red that had monkeys on it. I was so excited to be able to look down and see animals. It almost made the fresh “hot spots” worth it. Almost.

The best thing about getting new braces was Mr. Tim. I can see his face in my mind even now. He was the orthopedic doctor that I went to when I needed new braces, and seeing the way he smiled every time he saw me almost made the process of getting new braces bearable. I remember the process so clearly. Mr. Tim started by taking an ace bandage roll and soaking it in what I think was plaster of paris. Mr. Tim then wrapped the ace bandage around my foot and waited a few minutes for it to harden. The next part, the part that always made me a little anxious, was when Mr. Tim had to use a saw to remove the brace mold. Even though I knew that Mr. Tim wouldn’t cut me because I knew how many brace molds he had made, the sound of the saw wasn’t pleasant…and it could make you nervous even if you didn’t think you were one bit scared.

Even though I’m grateful that I don’t have to wear braces on my feet anymore, I remember coming across an old pair of braces when my mom and I were cleaning out my closet a few months ago. It felt good to be able to not even have to hesitate before I told my mom to get rid of the braces, but for just a second, I thought of Mr. Tim and the smile that seemed to brighten even the really hard days.

WWW Wednesdays: August 22nd.

I’ve read some good books lately, so I thought I’d participate in a WWW Wednesdays this week. WWW Wednesdays were started by MizB over at Should Be Reading.

To play along, just answer the following three (3) questions…

• What are you currently reading?
• What did you recently finish reading?
• What do you think you’ll read next?

Currently reading: Dark Places by Gillian Flynn. Even though Gone Girl is the book by Gillian Flynn that is currently popular, I came across the synopsis of Dark Places on Amazon and thought it would be a good introduction to Flynn’s writing before reading Gone Girl. 

Just finished reading: Small Wonder: Essays by Barbara Kingsolver. This book of essays was a nice change from the usual fiction by Kingsolver that I’m naturally drawn to. Plus, since I found out that Kingsolver will be coming to Asheville as part of her book tour in November, I figured that I needed to read some of the other genres that she’s written in. I loved the book of essays though. Despite being essays and not one concise story, I found myself unable to put the book down. 

Reading next: These Things Hidden by Heather Gudenkauf. I loved The Weight of Silence by Gudenkauf that I read last summer, and when I found out that there was another book that she had written, I knew that I had to give it a shot too.

Feel free to comment with your WWW Wednesday. I know how much I love seeing what everyone else is reading, and I could certainly go for some suggestions if any of you have read anything really great lately.