Sink Or Swim.

29 Feb

Last night I listened to “In My Veins” by Andrew Belle on repeat for a while. Though this is an incredibly sad song, it got me in the right mood to write…or really just read through what I’ve written so far on my book. Though I’ve been neglecting working on my book for the reason of being in midterms week, I don’t think that’s the full reason. I’ve written down lots of ideas (in terms of certain memories) that I want to include in my book that I haven’t yet. However, I’ve come to realize that these memories are some of the really hard ones. Ones that either brought me incredible amounts of pain or just stick out because I remember every detail when I’d rather not.

Though I understand that a huge part of my book is facing all of these memories again in order to find some “closure” of sorts, it’s not easy. It takes insane amounts of courage on my part. And even though people have told me all my life how courageous I am, I never really know how to respond to that. I mean, I faced what I did because I had to. In my mind, it was the only choice. Sink or swim. So, I don’t exactly view it as courageous, but more along the lines of necessary. Writing about these difficult memories not only brings them out of the box that I’ve kept hidden for so long, it brings out who I really am…which is defined by what I’ve been through and how I’ve overcome it all to get to where I am today.

In a way, this book feels like another “sink or swim” moment. I’ll either be able to flesh out all these memories and get them written down, or I won’t. Though I don’t want to even give myself the option of failure, I’m just taking things one day at a time. Though my hope is to get my book published one day, if I don’t it’s not the end of the world. Even though I want my book to impact others, I think the biggest impact I’m looking for is the changes that I’ll see within myself. I’m writing this book for me and no one else, so if I end up understanding myself better but not being able to get my book published, then that’s okay. If anything, I will have proved to myself that even though my childhood was rough, I needed to face it all in order to get to where I am today.

9 Responses to “Sink Or Swim.”

  1. sherrylcook February 29, 2012 at 8:51 am #

    Its wonderful that you are writing your memoirs. It is a way of healing and getting your story out there for others to hopefully learn from. I too have written my memoirs. I’ve always known I’ve wanted to do it since I was a child, but just got around to actually writing it about three years ago. Its been quite an undertaking but its now in the editing phase. I would love to have it published because I believe it could help others but if not, its ok. My main reason for writing it is my daughters and grandchildren. I want them to have the opportunity to learn some life lessons and understand my story. Keep up the work, it will be worth it and when you are done, you will have a sense of closure to begin your life anew. Blessings to you!

    • ameliaclaire92 February 29, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

      Thank you so much. It’s always nice to hear of someone else who’s writing their memior. It provides a connection to a part of ourselves that not many people could come to understand otherwise.

  2. yogikarenk February 29, 2012 at 9:22 am #

    You know you will feel better after writing your story, then editing it, then re-editing it. . . soon the story will just be a story and you will be free. Such a beautiful soul as you are is entitled to that freedom.

    • ameliaclaire92 February 29, 2012 at 4:51 pm #

      I never thought of it really as a desire to be free, but just as a need for release. I guess they’re basically the same thing. I like your wording better though. “Free” seems to fit.

  3. treadmarkz February 29, 2012 at 12:54 pm #

    I’m glad you understand all that you do. Just writing it all out might be all that’s necessary. The only way you can truly learn some seemingly small thing. I’ve experienced that and I am eternally grateful for the experience and I hope you will be too. But yes that is if it does not get published. If it does, then I know it will affect many. Even more to be grateful for.

  4. jilllurie February 29, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

    You are on a beautiful journey to your Truest Self and there is no rush to swim this river, this ocean. If you hurry, you will miss the pearl necklace waiting for you inside the darkest spot…

  5. ameliaclaire92 February 29, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

    Such beautiful words, Jill. Though I know there is no rush since I don’t want to miss something, I still feel like it’s rushed in the sense that I want to get everything out. So many memories have been hidden for so long, and the fact that I have allowed them to rise to the surface hurts. I understand that all artists suffer for their art in a way, but sometimes it’s hard to keep going when I’m unsure of when I’ll reach the “relief” point. The thought that that point may not arise until the very last word is written scares me, though I have a gut feeling that this may be a truly wonderful thing to share with the world. I mean, who’d want to walk away from that amazing possibility?

  6. Brigitte February 29, 2012 at 8:18 pm #

    Good thoughts to you! I’m so impressed from reading an earlier blog that you know who Tracy Chapman is! Listen to sad songs and take their message, then listen to inspiring ones that promote moving on…you’re young, you have the power to do whatever you want with your life. Do it, despite your circumstances, history…

    remember this:

    “With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
    it is still a beautiful world.
    Be cheerful.
    Strive to be happy.”
    ― Max Ehrmann, Desiderata: A Poem for a Way of Life

  7. belasbrightideas February 29, 2012 at 9:47 pm #

    Ah, I see we have this in common: I have always been told how courageous I was, growing up – as if I had a choice!
    Dear one, had you thought of writing memoir? That way, you have some poetic license as to ‘what to do’ with those unsavory memories. It is often said that memory is a tricky thing anyhow, and the proof for me is that out of 7 of us kids raised in an adverse environment, shall we say – our stories differ from person to person. Yet how can that be? Memory is, after all, subjective. My sensitivities react differently from a sister’s. And so on. Thus the suggestion, and I hope you can receive it in the spirit it is given (one of nonattachment – it is YOUR story, after all – and perhaps you’ve already thought of it – btw, have you read Mary Carr’s LIAR’S CLUB? – a good example, I think). Memoir allows one to tweak these experiences a bit so they can settle better on the stomach. Anyhow, best of luck!

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