An Empty Space.

30 Nov

Normally I don’t write two posts in one day, but I just have to get this out.

Do you ever feel empty? Like one day you could wake up and just float away? It’s been one of those nights for me. I just feel like there’s an empty space in me that hasn’t been filled yet. I know that that sounds sad, and it is. But I feel like I keep looking for things to fill the empty place in me. People, places, music, words. Nothing helps. I’ve been told numerous times that there comes a time when people just need to accept themselves. But how can I accept a part of myself that’s not complete yet? It hurts, you know…this empty space. It hurts my heart. It makes me cry. It makes me feel all alone (even though I know there are so many people around that love me and support me every day). I think that makes it even harder. Having such wonderful people in my life and still feeling empty. There used to be a time when writing half-filled the empty space. It gave me the chance to let out all my feelings openly and without judgement. That’s sorta what this blog has become in a sense. But writing isn’t filling the space. I feel it still. I feel it every day. And I just want it to go away. Go away or be filled. Sometimes, when I’m really really happy, I forget it’s empty. I forget…just for a second…that there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel complete. I know this all sounds weird, but I just have needed to write it out today. I’ve cried enough today to fill an ocean, and at this point, I can’t cry anymore, but yet it still hurts.

I’ve been missing people recently, and maybe that has something to do with it, but I don’t know. The hard thing is that I’m happy here. I love Asheville and all the great friends I’ve made here. But yet, there’s this space in me that longs to be filled. With what….I have no idea. The thought of using even more energy to go and figure out what’s missing just seems impossible. The search…the search that has only led to disappointment is draining.

I’m emotionally spent. The tears are gone. And all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe. That’s all I can do.

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5 Responses to “An Empty Space.”

  1. jilllurie December 1, 2011 at 12:17 am #

    I so understand this, more than I can ever say. I think that there is something really powerful in sitting with the nothingness/not knowing/emptiness. It’s like drilling the deepest well inside of yourself – one that has no bottom – and then filling it with the most beautiful light and love and joy. If you don’t make the well deep, you can never feel that inner ecstasy because you’d just be grazing the surface of life. Even thought the drilling and excavation can be excruciating when you are going through it, it’s so worth it!

    • ameliaclaire92 December 1, 2011 at 1:07 pm #

      Thank you so much. Your kind words make the difficulty just a little more bearable.

  2. belasbrightideas December 2, 2011 at 12:24 am #

    Pema Chodron speaks to that ground of emptiness that makes us all uncomfortable, and we try and fill it with something. She says going “into” it can result in learning something profound about ourselves. Still at 58, though I am more comfortable with it than I’ve ever been, it can still feel uncomfortable when what I want is ‘something’ – at least at that moment in time. I’ve just come to the realization over the years that it’s a place I need to be at the time, for whatever reason. (After all, if we look at the universe, it’s mostly full of nothing. Which doesn’t help when we’re feeling blue because of it) 😦

    It’s also helped me to realize that all things pass, as George Harrison said. Nothing is permanent, even discomfort. And certainly not comfort, much as I can crave it.

    Good post, very touching – hoping you’re feeling better.

    • ameliaclaire92 December 2, 2011 at 12:34 pm #

      Yep, things are much better. Sometimes it takes a night of feeling down to realize that without sadness, we wouldn’t know what happiness felt like.

  3. ailialana December 7, 2011 at 5:45 am #

    Ohhhhh Ameliaclaire…I know this place well. I do not have the answers but I do know they lie within you. I hope my last two posts Be still and Know and Uncertainty will encourage you. (sorry I don’t know how to link yet!)…You have a beautiful soul. Aox

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