Archive | November, 2011

An Empty Space.

30 Nov

Normally I don’t write two posts in one day, but I just have to get this out.

Do you ever feel empty? Like one day you could wake up and just float away? It’s been one of those nights for me. I just feel like there’s an empty space in me that hasn’t been filled yet. I know that that sounds sad, and it is. But I feel like I keep looking for things to fill the empty place in me. People, places, music, words. Nothing helps. I’ve been told numerous times that there comes a time when people just need to accept themselves. But how can I accept a part of myself that’s not complete yet? It hurts, you know…this empty space. It hurts my heart. It makes me cry. It makes me feel all alone (even though I know there are so many people around that love me and support me every day). I think that makes it even harder. Having such wonderful people in my life and still feeling empty. There used to be a time when writing half-filled the empty space. It gave me the chance to let out all my feelings openly and without judgement. That’s sorta what this blog has become in a sense. But writing isn’t filling the space. I feel it still. I feel it every day. And I just want it to go away. Go away or be filled. Sometimes, when I’m really really happy, I forget it’s empty. I forget…just for a second…that there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel complete. I know this all sounds weird, but I just have needed to write it out today. I’ve cried enough today to fill an ocean, and at this point, I can’t cry anymore, but yet it still hurts.

I’ve been missing people recently, and maybe that has something to do with it, but I don’t know. The hard thing is that I’m happy here. I love Asheville and all the great friends I’ve made here. But yet, there’s this space in me that longs to be filled. With what….I have no idea. The thought of using even more energy to go and figure out what’s missing just seems impossible. The search…the search that has only led to disappointment is draining.

I’m emotionally spent. The tears are gone. And all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe. That’s all I can do.

The Dog Days Are Over.

30 Nov

“But you’ve got the love I need to see me through.”-Florence + The Machine

It’s a music day today. Last night, I listened to numerous songs by Florence and The Machine. I had listened to her before, but it wasn’t until last night that I discovered how great she is. She’s a lot like Adele in her voice, but I feel like her unpredictability makes her better. Some of her songs are quiet, and some are loud. As I was listening to them last night (“Cosmic Love” and “You’ve Got The Love”) I became more motivated. I got a lot of work done that I needed to, which was definitely a plus.

Here are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Florence + The Machine: “Dog Days Are Over”

Happiness, hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with a drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind you
Can’t carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses
‘Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had
And what was left after that too. oh.

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height
By someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses
‘Cause here they come

Run fast for your mother and fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind you
Can’t carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses
Because here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses
Because here they come

Check it out on Youtube. It’s an amazing song, and it’s fun to dance to!

Are those snowflakes I see?!

29 Nov

“The world changes when it snows. It’s quiet. Everything softens.”-Gilmore Girls

It’s official. At approximately 3:30 this afternoon, I spotted the first snowflakes of the season! Even though it’s not sticking and it’s only snowing off and on, it’s so pretty. I’ve opened my window so that I can smell the amazing snow-filled air. This is quite a treat for me. I’m originally from South Carolina where it doesn’t snow much, so I’ve been looking forward to winter in Asheville for quite some time. The fact that it’s snowed today has also made me realize just how close Christmas is. So, I’m sitting in my room watching the snow and listening to Christmas music. I still can’t believe it’s that time of year again. I feel like it was just Halloween a few days ago.

This semester has flown by, which is both a blessing and a bummer. I’ve loved my first semester at Asheville, but I’m also reaching the point of just being totally burned out, so I’m just ready to be done already. I want to get these papers and projects out of the way so that all I have to do is get excited about Key West. Me, my parents, my brother, my brother’s girlfriend, and my friend Heather are all going to Key West for a few days before Christmas. I’m really looking forward to it. It’ll be nice to have a fun trip to get excited for the holiday season. Plus, I haven’t seen my friend Heather since before Thanksgiving so I really miss her.

Current Christmas Music: Last Christmas by Taylor Swift. I’m a HUGE Taylor Swift fan, and I’ve always really loved her Christmas music, so it’s a win-win.

What’s your favorite part about the holidays? Have you started getting into the Christmas spirit yet?

Rain, Rain, Go Away!

28 Nov

“Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.” 

It’s been a rainy day here in Asheville. Not drizzling rain, but the yucky, pouring rain that soaks your shoes and makes you just want to be curled up inside watching a movie. Normally, I like rain. And rain in the mountains has always been special for me. But I think the fact that it is Monday and has been pouring rain all day is reason enough to not be in the best of moods. But the great thing is that small things can sometimes brighten even the darkest of days. For instance, I found out today that both of my classes on Wednesday are cancelled. I don’t know about you, but that’s definitely reason enough for a smile! Also, I just started listening to all my Christmas stations on Pandora, and I guarantee that by the end of the night I will have had at least one dance session in my room. Isn’t Christmas music just the best? It’s super cheery (most of it) and reminds me of cookies and the smell of trees and cooking and family time. Ah, so much fun! And I’m definitely thinking that I need to really get in the Christmas spirit this year. Ya know, peppermint coffee, Christmas music, going to the Biltmore to see Christmas lights (apparently their Christmas light display is amazing), make a gingerbread house, watch Christmas movies. Yeah, I’m smiling just thinking about it all.

What do you do to get ready for the holidays?

Instead of Waiting, Take Notice.

27 Nov

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Waiting can be one of the hardest parts of life. Whether we’re waiting to go somewhere, feel something, find something, or if we have no idea what we’re waiting for, it can make us crazy. It’s human nature to be a little impatient, but there are those who are incredibly impatient. Those are the people who would benefit from slowing down, slowing down to realize what’s right in front of them.

So, take notice of what’s around you. Drink it in. Take a big gulp. Savor every drop. Because the life that you’re waiting on to start, it’s already started. You’re in it right now. And maybe right now it’s not going the way you want it to go. But that’s okay. You’re in control. You can change it (to a certain extent). You don’t have to wait for a big event to occur in order to realize that the life you have now isn’t one that you want.

What I’ve noticed today: the wonderful weather, appreciating the fact that I live in Asheville, my amazing family, not having too much traffic on my drive back to school, the smile I got from the nice lady at the pharmacy, the fact that 3 weeks from now I’ll be leaving for Key West, and the fact that there are only 16 days left until Christmas Break.

Tomorrow’s a new day, but there will never be a day that’s identical to this one. So live it. Take notice of everything you possibly can.

Finding Comfort In Silence.

26 Nov

“Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was.”-Jodi Picoult

I feel like many times moving through sadness is like being in a crowd. People may be around you, but you’re so focused on just putting one foot in front of the other that you don’t even notice those around you. It’s like there’s a piece of glass between you and everyone else. You know they are there, but having the energy to reach for them, to need them…seems impossible.

That’s the thing about sadness. No matter how much we think it’s easiest to go it alone, it’s not. We all need support, every one of us. And maybe support doesn’t mean spoken advice or even being in the same vacinity as the person who’s hurting. Maybe support means finding comfort in silence, comfort through words that don’t even have to be spoken aloud to still be true. And no matter how much we run from people because we feel like dealing with our sadness is easiest alone, we always come back. Whether we come running back, or skulking back, we come back. Because facing sadness by having another person carrying some of the weight is 100 times better, without even having to crack open our hearts to watch the sadness seep out on to the floor.

Truest are the friends who need not speak a word to offer comfort. The ones who are there, and neither of you have to even say anything. It’s a bond that doesn’t need words or acknowledgement. It’s having the ability to find comfort in silence.

A Jar Full Of Stars.

25 Nov

“Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes, but I’ll work it out.”-Dave Matthews Band.

Pacolet Falls, NC

Though I feel like many of my posts have been about finding happiness in the simple things, tonight it was true example of doing just that. I had a hard, but rewarding day of hiking to a nearby waterfall with my family. The waterfall was just as pretty as I remember it being as a kid, but the trek there and back was difficult for me. Yes, I did it, but I’m definitely feeling the effects of it now. However, that’s beside the point. Anyway, when my parents and I got back to our mountain house, I got out of the car. The first thing I did was look straight up to see a dark sky filled with stars. Since we live out in the woods and not many people live near us, it’s dark enough out to see the stars, and it honestly took my breath away. I felt like I could just reach up and grab some stars and put them in a jar. A jar full of stars all for me.

Yes, star-gazing is a very simple act, but it brought me happiness today. I had a hard day of hiking, and I feel like it was all worth it because at the end of a good day with my family I got to see a sky full of stars. No, stars are not foreign to me, but since I live in Asheville, I don’t see the stars much. Though I love Asheville, I didn’t realize how much the city lights can obscure your view of the stars. So, it was a nice treat tonight to gaze up and be able to just be filled with happiness.

What simple thing has brought you happiness today?

Turkey, Pumpkin Pie, and The Good Things.

24 Nov

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.-Oprah Winfrey.

It’s Thanksgiving (at least here in the US). It’s a time that many people simply associate with eating way too much food, which ends up sending them into a food coma afterwards. Though the thought of eating tons of yummy food is always appealing, I feel like many people don’t remember the true meaning of Thanksgiving, and I’m definitely included in the list a lot of the time.

I think what many of us forget is the importance of simply realizing what we have. Yes, throughout this year there have definitely been bumps in the road, but what about the triumphs, the happy memories, the new friendships, and the family that has been behind me ever step of the way? It’s important to remember the good things of the year, and it’s very important to hold on to those good things when the bad things try to bring you down.

My big good things: Transferring to Asheville, making some amazing new friends, re-discovering my love for writing through blogging, developing a new wardrobe thanks to my friend Skidmore, gaining confidence, understanding that no one stands between me and my ability to reach my dreams, and simply realizing that I’ve found home here in the mountains. Some smaller good things: hugs, food, basketball, coffee, photography, cold weather, music, tv, books, anything pumpkin-flavored (the pumpkin pies are done and the smell is amazing), mangoes (haven’t had them in forever, but they’re amazing), spicy food (and now I want Indian food, haha). Yeah, okay, I’ve got food on the brain, but who doesn’t?

What are some of your good things?

A Little Bit Of Magic.

23 Nov

“Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too–even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling.”-Mitch Albom

As I sit here writing this, the view before me is made up of 4 big windows spanning the back of our house. Beyond the windows lie leafless trees with mountains stretching beyond. There’s something magical about the mountains that I’ve never been able to place. It’s as if worries or stresses are left behind and the trees surround you in a nature hug full of hopefulness and promise. This Thanksgiving Break, I needed the serenity of the mountains. The stress of the semester was enveloping me, and this escape has given me the air I’ve needed to breathe. 

It’s windy here today and the sudden cold is a reminder that winter is coming. Part of me is not looking forward to it simply because I love fall too much, and so I feel like it came and went quicker than usual. However, since I don’t regularly experience snow, I’m looking forward to being in Asheville for winter. When it snows and everything is white, the world gets quiet. The world becomes a whisper and everyone stops to marvel at the magic that nature has provided. I’m looking forward to enveloping myself in the quiet magic of snow. Snow angels and snowball fights and getting bundled up in winter coats and gloves to take a walk, plus lots of coffee. Pure magic. 

What’s your magic? 

34 Life Lessons From Grey’s Anatomy

22 Nov

Two days ago I wrote a post about the 50 Things I’ve Learned From Gilmore Girls. Grey’s Anatomy is another one of my favorite shows, and I’ve always been drawn to the quotes used through the show. So, here are 34 life lessons from Grey’s Anatomy. Enjoy! 🙂 

1. At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them.

2. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

3. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves that knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

4. I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up – I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope – against all logic, against all experience.

5. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

6. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it’s scary as hell. Except there’s an upside to freefalling. It’s the chance you give your friends to catch you.

7. As human beings, sometimes it’s better to stay in the dark, because in the dark there may be fear, but there’s also hope.

8. Communication. It’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.  

9. The people that are still with you at the end of the day – those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

10. And if we’re lucky, we realize, in the face of everything, in the face of life, the true dream is being able to dream at all.

11. We rely on superstitions because we’re smart enough to know we don’t have all the answers. And that life works in mysterious ways. Don’t diss the juju, from wherever it comes.

12. We’re friends, real friends. And that means, no matter how long it takes, when you finally do decide to look back, I’ll still be here.

13. Too often going after what feels good means letting of what you know is right. And letting someone in means abandoning the walls you took so long to build.

14. But sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they just can’t love you back in the same way.

15. There are moments… moments that in a split second your life changes forever, and before you know it…you’re somewhere else.

16. You know as well as I do it’s not about what you look like, or your job, or how successful you are. It’s about having people in your life that you love and who love you…that’s all that matters.

17. When the worst case scenario comes true, clinging to hope is all we’ve got left.

18. Some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know, or do we step forward to something new? It’s hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us… what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we’re making today.

19. Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But here’s the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes change is everything.

20. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact, there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do – as long as you choose your moments wisely.

21. It’s good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose.

22. The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You’re in a lion fight. Just because you didn’t win doesn’t mean you don’t know how to roar.

23. Don’t wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don’t. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together.

24. The ties that binds us are sometimes impossible to explain. They connect us even after it seems like the ties should be broken. Some bonds defy distance and time and logic; Because some ties are simply… meant to be.

25. And the only way to get rid of a shadow is to turn off the lights, to stop running from the darkness and face what you fear, head on.

26. You never know the biggest day of your life is going to be the biggest. The days you think are going to be big ones, they are never as big as you make them out to be in your head. It’s the regular days, the ones that start out normal. Those are the days that end up being the biggest.  

27. Sometimes, words fail.

28. All the pain and the fear and the crap, maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up. 

29. Sometimes the past is something you just can’t let go of. And sometimes the past is something we’ll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.

30. The universe is funny that way. Sometimes it just has a way of making sure we wind up exactly where we belong.

31. No matter how high the stakes, sooner or later you’re just going to have to go with your gut. And maybe, just maybe, that’ll take you right where you were supposed to be.

32. You have to go back to the beginning to understand the end.

33. Sometimes it happens in an instance. We step up, we see a path forward. We see a path and we take it. Even when we have no idea where we’re going.

34. If you can think of a reason; any reason at all why the universe is so screwed up and random and mean; now would be an amazingly good time to tell me because I really need some answers.